Chapter 15 - Because She Is Not Hungry
“A friend is someone who helps you up when you’re down, and if they can’t, they lay down beside you and listen.”
- A. A. Milne
The sergeant took a bit of regulation bread from his pocket, and handed it to the mother.
She broke the bread into two fragments, and gave them to the children, who ate with avidity.
“She has kept none for herself,” grumbled the sergeant.
“Because she is not hungry,” said a soldier.
“Because she is a mother,” said the sergeant.
- Victor Hugo, Ninety-Three
Note: if you’re new to this story, this is the end of part 1, and I suggest you start here → Prologue
On Friday night, I showed up at Brooke's house for dinner. I greeted her briefly, but she was on the phone, so I slipped away to get cleaned up.
When I returned, Brooke's dinner was more like snack food: pizza snacks, sausage, cheese, crackers, and other stuff to nibble on.
"What's all this?"
"TV binge night."
"What about Mom?"
"Grace just called to say she’ll come when she can."
"Was that before or after you told her about the snack food?"
Brooke popped something in her mouth and grinned.
I took a few bites myself while Brooke said, "I found the perfect show for us to watch, some romantic fantasy."
"Oh?"
She threw her arms out about as wide as her grin. "Outlander. We will watch the whole first season tonight."
“Is that the one you and Mom have been talking about?”
“Yep.” Brooke popped something else into her mouth.
“Should we wait for her? Did she say when she’ll be here?”
“She wasn’t sure. But that’s okay. You and I can stay up all night watching, like we're having a sleepover.”
I hesitated. "I’m not sure. I didn’t bring anything to sleep in.”
“Relax. You don’t need your blanket. Besides, no one actually sleeps during a sleepover.”
“Well…”
Brooke stared me in the eyes, her face barely an inch from mine. “Please, say yes. We will have so much fun.”
“I should call Mom.”
“Why do you need mommy’s permission? You can do what you want.”
“When she does come, she can bring my blanket.”
“Does that mean…?”
“Yes,” I said grudgingly. “I’ll stay.”
Brooke began dancing around the room while I called, put her on speaker, and told her about the plan change.
“Brooke, are you going to start watching Outlander without me? I’ve had a long day at the childcare center and could use the distraction.” Mom sounded disappointed.
“Oh, I had a strange day. Remember that creepy doctor y’all wanted me to see?”
I leaned in. “What about him?”
“He showed up at the real estate office and talked all sweet. He invited me to more sessions.”
Mom said, “We should find another doctor for you.”
Brooke scrunched up her nose. “How about no doctor? He wanted to know all about you and even asked for the name of your restaurant, saying he had heard it was the best one in town. So, I gave him the name of the other restaurant where you worked. Let him eat their dirt.”
“He does sound creepy.” Mom sounded distracted. “Sorry, I just got a message. I need to go to work earlier than expected.”
Brooke picked up another snack and asked, “We have some hushpuppies, your favs. Do you want us to save you any?”
“No, I’m not hungry. Don’t wait up for me. I’ll be late.”
“Okay, good night, Mom, love ya.”
“I love you, too, Jake, and your big heart. And you, too, Brooke.”
“Love ya, Grace.”
Brooke spread out some blankets and gathered some pillows. On the coffee table, we spread out the snack food. Once we were all settled, we started the TV show.
The TV show was more like a romantic Scottish historical drama with a flash of fantasy here or there. However, plenty of hunks in kilts were featured for Brooke to swoon over. She ate it up. I did protest. We had to compromise on what to watch before.
With all the snacking, Coke kept me awake, and I offered Brooke one. A glass of wine or two was how she wanted to enjoy the show.
Somewhere around the end of the seventh or eighth episode, I could barely stay awake and started to nod off. Brooke leaned on my shoulder, startling me, and I glanced at the clock: 2:02 a.m.
KNOCK, KNOCK! The banging on the front door startled us awake. We scrambled to untangle ourselves from the pillows and blankets.
When I opened the door, two police officers were standing there. One stepped forward. “Are you Jake Atwood?”
“Yes, what is going on?”
“May we come in?” the officer asked.
I invited them in. Brooke was standing next to me, holding my hand.
The officer directed his comments to me: “Jake Atwood, I regret to inform you that your mother, Grace Atwood, died in a car accident earlier this evening.”
My world was shattered. Brooke broke out into mournful sobbing. I just stood there, numb, like they’d said nothing at all.
“Please come with us to identify her body.”
He ushered us out the door and into their squad car.
“There must be some mistake. She should be home asleep. Let’s go there and check.”
The officer said, “We already tried your house when looking for you.”
“She’s probably asleep or not decent and didn’t want to come to the door,” I tried to explain.
The officer remained silent at this point. Brooke held onto my arm and urged me to be still and wait to see.
When we arrived, they ushered us in. An attendant led us down a cold hallway into an even colder room. They pulled out her body and lifted the cover. Her mangled body was put on the cold slab, but the exposed side of her face was serene and peaceful. Brooke began to weep again.
The other officer said, “I am sorry for your loss.”
Through sobs, Brooke asked, “Officer, what happened?”
“She was driving along SC-253. Someone tried to pass her but got hit head-on by a Mack truck. He died instantly, and his car was totaled beyond recognition. The massive wreck knocked her off the right of the road into some trees.”
The other officer added, “Her injuries were severe. Because of the trees, they couldn’t get to her in time. If only they had a few minutes…”
The first officer who brought us said. “I’m sorry. The doctors did all they could.”
After they took us back home, Brooke beckoned me to come to bed and get some rest, but I wanted to sit on the couch. I sat there, numb. I needed Mom to know what to do. I was lost.
I heard Brooke calling someone. A few hours later, Keisha showed up.
“I’m so sorry, Jake,” she said, throwing her arms around me. I could feel her, but my mind wasn’t processing what was happening. “I’m going to take care of you,” she said.
Mom always took care of me. What could Keisha do? Fear, rage, and uncertainty surged in my mind. Only Mom would know what to do.
The next day, I recall going somewhere to sign documents, which gave Keisha the authority to handle all the legal matters. When we changed our names, Mom talked with a lawyer. Is Keisha doing that now? Did I need to go somewhere else?
Afterward, she and Brooke went through all our stuff and boxed up everything. They set aside the precious family keepsakes, what little we had, and I’m not sure what they did with the rest, but they settled everything else.
Brooke took me to her house to stay. I remembered she was sleeping next to me instead of Mom, but I didn’t recall what my days were like. Everything passed like a dream, as if nothing was real. I hoped I would wake up one day and find Mom there, and everything would be okay.
One morning, the sun shone through the windows, and I realized I was in Brooke’s house. I ran from room to room, calling out for Brooke or Mom. No one heard me. I couldn’t find my phone.
Frustrated, I slammed Brooke’s closet door, knocking it off its hinges. I ran out into the living room, feeling afraid and confused. I thought Brooke was playing a joke by hiding behind the TV, so I kicked it onto the floor. My rage continued until I punched a hole in the wall and broke a chair.
I saw all the destruction I had caused and panicked. What will Brooke think? She will be so mad. She will never let me back in. Mom wasn’t there for help, so I ran.
* * *
Confused, scared, and alone, I didn’t know what to do. So, I drove to Coach Ryan’s house. He will know what to do.
Luckily, he was there. I told him everything that had happened.
“I’m sorry for your loss. Grace was a fine example of strength and compassion. She will be missed.” Coach Ryan said.
On the verge of tears, I said, “I don’t know what to do now. I feel so lost.”
“Do you remember those times when I took you guys camping? That’s the way I like to clear my mind and refocus myself. Perhaps you need to take some time for yourself. Go out into the wilderness alone and find yourself.”
The way he spoke about it seemed to make sense. All I could do was nod my head. I felt confused, but maybe his way would help me find some relief. At the very least, I would get away from Brooke, who probably hated me now for wrecking her house. She would never take me back.
Picturing myself in the peace of the wilderness made me think this was the way to go, even though I would have to be alone. Now that Mom was gone, I would have to overcome my fears on my own.
“Jake, let’s get you ready for your weeklong campout,” Coach Ryan said.
With some loaned camping gear, we gathered enough supplies and headed out. We drove over an hour to a secluded spot that few people knew about. Coach Ryan had taught us enough about camping that I could take care of myself. He gave me a radio in case I needed anything.
We unloaded the gear and supplies, and he wished me well, saying he would return in a week. Then I was left alone. As I set up camp, my mind began to clear of the numbness and haze, but it was replaced by guilt and grief.
Having set up camp, I ate a simple meal of canned stew. As the sun was setting, I decided to retire early. I went into the tent and lay there alone for hours. Suddenly, I remembered my blanket but didn’t know where it was. I became paralyzed with fear. I had to grow up. If I could survive this for a week, I’d be a new and better man. But that made me more scared, and I was torturing myself by being there.
I’m not sure what time it was, but I guessed it was late in the evening, like after 10:00 pm. I still had not fallen asleep. A vehicle stopped nearby. Oh, no. Neighbors. If they visit, they will ask what I’m doing here. I didn’t need someone else here; I needed to be alone and face my terror alone. I’d have to relive my pain again—but I couldn’t get rid of it anyway.
They made some noise as they unloaded some stuff, then their truck pulled out and left. I heard someone approach the tent and open the flap.
A familiar voice called out, “Jake, is that you?”
Brooke crawled into the tent and lay next to me. She put her arms around me and said, “Jake, I got you. You will be okay. I will stay with you, and you don’t have to be alone.”
“Brooke, I’m sorry. I did something terrible. I …”
Brooke cradled me in her arms, “I know, Jake. It’s okay. I forgive you. Let’s rest and forget our worries for now. We can talk later. For now, let’s sleep.”
I melted into her arms. She held me, and all the sorrow, grief, pain, anger, and guilt that I had been holding back for weeks came out in a flood of tears.
Brooke reassured me, “Let it all out. It’s okay to cry, and I will be with you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
She held me like that until the tears ran out. I stayed awake for a long time. Brooke had fallen asleep, but didn’t want to wake her, so I stayed there.
* * *
After finally falling asleep, I found myself on a beach, and the sun was high in the sky. Turning to my left, I saw Mom standing next to me. I was so overjoyed to see her again. She smiled. “Come, let’s take a walk.”
She slipped her hand into mine, and we began to walk together along the beach. Our bare feet left imprints in the wet sand, and the waves came and washed them away.
All the wonderful memories with Mom flooded my mind: long drives to find new places to live, playing in the park, playing Candyland, reading books, and taking long walks. She smiled, laughed, and shared in my excitement. She had been my world growing up. I couldn’t have picked a better friend.
“Don’t forget those kids from the childcare,” Mom reminded me. “You were like a big brother to them.”
Playing with cars, building with blocks, and attending tea parties with some of the girls. All those fun times, Mom and I laughed about.
“Don’t forget some of your favorites,” Mom reminded me.
Normally, I would’ve blushed at the thought, but here, wherever here was, I looked toward the sea and watched the birds, remembering a picture she had drawn like that.
Mom met my eyes. Her smile told me that she knew where my mind had wandered.
As we continued our stroll along the beach, I remembered all the adventures I had shared with Brooke and the fun times we had together.
“You’ve done so well in caring for her when she’s been depressed,” Mom said.
Mom led us to a rock outcropping, and we began climbing over it. Soon, we were on a mountain trail, similar to the ones we had taken during our camping trip with Brooke. We hiked and talked about those times.
“She has made life brighter,” I said to Mom.
Mom took in a large breath of fresh air at the mention of Brooke, and the sun shone a little brighter. “You have been a blazing beacon of light for her in those dark places she had to find her way out of.”
After a moment, she added, “You have been a bright light in my world, too. I wondered so many times how I could go on. I’d find you with your arms wrapped around me. I’ve done what I could for you over the years, but you have done much more for me.”
We walked up the path in silence until we came to a bend in the trail. Then, we turned to look back the way we had come and could still see the beach, stretching on forever.
My mother looked back at the path up the mountain and released my hand. She took a few steps.
“Mom, please don’t go. I don’t know what to do about Brooke.” I pleaded.
“You were there for her when she needed you the most.”
“Only because you taught me.”
“Your heart did that.” Mom’s warm smile tried to reassure me.
“You always bring my heart into this. What if my heart can’t take this?”
“It already has.”
“Mom, I need you,” I pleaded.
“Marcus, this is the path I must go alone, but I will be watching.”
She looked once more along the vast beach. “Go now. She is waiting for you.” I turned to see a small cabin that I had not noticed before. Quickly, I turned back to Mom, but I only saw a fleeting glimpse as she turned around the bend.
Just like that, she was gone.
* * *
I woke in Brooke’s arms. She smiled at me, “There you are. How did you sleep?”
I snuggled close to her again, feeling her warmth and love, but tears welled up in my eyes. I recalled all the times I helped Brooke through her dark mood swings, but now she was the one taking care of me. I felt like I was totally dependent on her.
What did my mother mean by saying that she would be waiting for me?
My memory started to return to me, and I recalled everything I did at her house. All the guilt weighed down, and I couldn’t keep it in anymore.
“I’m sorry about your house. I don’t know what overcame me. I was just so angry.”
She held me, “It’s called grief.”
“Grief?” I questioned. “That’s about being all sad and weepy.”
“And anger, hate, shame, guilt, and a whole host of other emotions that tear you up.”
“How long does it last?”
“I don’t know. Everyone’s different. But you’re lucky to have a best friend to stay with you.”
We smiled at each other and chuckled. Then it dawned on me that I had been living with Brooke while I was in a slump. My home with Mom was gone. My home was now with Brooke.
“I’m sorry about the house.”
“You already said that. Don’t worry, I forgive you. I have a handyman who will fix it for cheap.” She grinned and touched the tip of my nose.
I chuckled, and then she did. Soon, we were laughing.
“Good to see that you’re laughing,” she said. “We can work on that while we’re out here.”
“How long are you going to be out here? Is Coach Ryan picking you up tonight? He told me he would be back in a week.”
Brooke said, “I told him two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” I exclaimed. “Can you last two days?”
She smiled and replied, “We lasted a couple of weeks camping before. Plus, I have you to take care of me. A best friend’s campout is better than a sleepover.”
“There’s no TV here, though.”
“The one at home is broken, so we might as well rough it out here.”
“Speaking of roughing it, all I have for breakfast are granola bars.”
Brooke grinned, “Aren’t you lucky you’re camping with me? I brought the good stuff, like bacon, eggs, and hash browns.”
I scrambled out of the tent but peeked back in. I grinned back, “Aren’t you lucky you’re camping with someone who knows how to cook?”
THE END OF PART 1